This is just getting old. I’m depressed again, clearly. What becomes affected first is my ability to enjoy anything. I drag through the day awaiting bedtime. I long for naps in between. I’m tired physically, and mentally, and numbed emotionally. The hate I have for my body is only getting worse. I’m completely defeated. I feel that it’s impossible to lose weight or to fix my health now. I’m 40. If I couldn’t do it in my 30s, how the hell can it get any better from here? The hope of my motivation suddenly appearing after all of these years is now just laughable. No hope at all -in any way- to fix…. I’m 40 and I’m flabby, unhealthy, depressed, unmotivated, uneducated, uninteresting, unattractive, and extremely forgettable. The best feeling I get all day long? When one of my children hugs me for longer than a few seconds…. I feel needed and wanted then.

My kids have begun to notice my failings and my shortcomings. One or the other tells me I’m fat almost daily. It means they notice. It means they don’t approve. It means they are ashamed and they’d change me if they could. I wish they could. I used to think that my internal drive would be fixed by my longing to be a good role model. Ha! What a joke. My ability to change is zero. And it remains so.

The best way to describe my feelings lately? Defeated. I don’t want to be like this. But I don’t know how to fix it. I’ve tried little things here and there but can’t seem to continue after 1 week, a month… I always quit at some point along the way.

Last time i tried to lose weight I did ok at first. 10lbs down, I hit a plateau. I continued to diet, eating only 1200 calories per day for another month and lost not another single pound. That was a huge slap in the face. Wake up, reality, you aren’t getting any better than this. 170lbs. No stamina. No strength.

I truly believe now. It’s impossible to improve myself.

We’ve gone through our share of mattresses, like everyone. But we’ve recently realized that at a certain age, it now very much matters what you buy. As 20-somethings our bed was comfortable but it may never have mattered what we were sleeping on. Now, as our other bed had aged 10 years, it began losing its stability & began sinking in spots. It was time to replace it. The problem is, we no longer know what we need.

We have an Eastern King size bed. This is the best for couples, in my opinion, because it’s essentially 2 Twin XLs side by side. So each person gets plenty of room to themselves without having to go for separate beds. Apparently it’s common for married couples to sleep separately after several years.

First thing we tried was a Helix. It’s an internet company which has you complete a questionnaire for both partners. It asks who sleeps on which side. And it builds the perfect bed, different on either side if needed, and ships it to you in a box.

The one it recommend for us was their cushiest bed. And it decided that Cris and I were similar enough that we had the same sleep profile. So the bed was uniform & didn’t need separate comfort levels on either side. It was supposed to be a 10″tall mattress.

We were really excited to get one of the most raved about beds online.

It came. We unboxed it. And it inflated. The instructions said to wait 1 hour for full inflation. We put it up immediately so that it would have several hours just incase. That night, we slept on it. The next morning, I was in pain. It was so stiff it felt like laying in there floor… When I called them to complain they asked how tall it was. I measured it and it was only 6 inches. They said it must have been defective because ours was supposed to be 10 inches. We began an exchange for another one. A week later, it arrived. And after inflation, was only 7 inches. We returned it for a refund. I was NOT interested in giving them another try. I feel like they had their chance to impress us. And failed miserably.

2 years passed. I got pregnant & had Evie so we didn’t do any more bed swapping for a while. We continued to use the old tried and true mattress which I still liked.. but which was absolutely uncomfortable for Cris who began sleeping on the couch…

The next bed we tried was a sleep number. It shipped in two boxes and had to be assembled but it’s upon receipt… We got through the required 30 days and neither of us found our sleep numbers. We debated keeping it even though neither of us was really comfortable… But it didn’t cause too much pain the next morning. It would have been ok had we not spent $1700 on it. We didn’t feel we wanted to sleep with an ok bed that hurt us once in a while unless it had been much cheaper. . So. We called them. They suggested a 3 inch foam piece with 7 zones & two new pillows. They offered them for free so we accepted hoping this would be the answer. We really didn’t want to go through another mattress return if we could help it. The foam and pillows came in and, the pillows were great. But the foam didn’t change a thing. We processed a return. They allowed us to keep the foam & pillows on them, for free.

Repacking a bed into two smallish boxes was really difficult but we managed it. And 2 weeks later we finally got our refund. Meanwhile, we had no bed at all. The 10yr old bed had been set on the side of the house for large item pickup. So once the sleep number was gone, we had nothing. We managed with the foam and our son’s top bunk mattress but it was barely a placeholder…

After the refund, Cris was DONE and wanted nothing to do with the next purchase. I went to Mattress Land and Urners looking at Serta and Sealy. I decided on a Sealy which was firm but had a really nice pillow top. I purchased it with our sleep number refund. A week later, we got it. That was yesterday.

Last night was our first night. When I woke up this morning, I was more stiff than I’d been on any of them so far. I was in pain. It was the worse one yet. I was so upset that I couldn’t stop crying this morning. We had to put that 3 inch foam on it just to make it seem better… But tonight is the first night with this firm bed with the foam. I’m not optimistic at all anymore. Mattress Land gives you a one time comfort exchange within 6 months of purchase. But they require 30 days trial before they’ll exchange it. And you have to keep the mattress in perfect condition for the return. I don’t want to do this any more. But I’m sure we’ll be back in there in another couple months to return it. Again.

I’m so tired of this process. I just want to get good sleep on a comfortable bed. I’m not optimistic that this is even possible at this point.

So. Remember the last thing she was told? “Should you need us”…….

The movie opens on Sarah (Connelly) having just had a miscarriage {or other trajedy involving her kid(s)} she is not just sad, but she’s angry. This is the final straw. She’s had a rough go of it since her experience with Gareth. Not only has she had a nearly psychic break considering her splintering of reality trying to reconcile her actual journey through the labyrinth, vs actual reality which makes her experiences impossible, but other life experiences have left her very bitter. She has had other issues in life and asked for her Goblin friends to return, but they never did. She doesn’t know that they never could, she just knows they never came. She’s bitter about her friends as well. Her fear or grief over losing her child has left her wanting. And she finally decides to allow her old “dream” to ingulf her. She wants to go back. She makes a wish (in the correct Goblin fashion) and finds herself within the company of familiar faces. And it enrages her. She’s mad at them not helping her through life. She’s upset about her losses and looking for someone to blame. She breaks.

The goblins, meanwhile, never came when she needed. The Goblin king never allowed it. He’s too pious. He didn’t like being beaten. He disallows Sarah’s friends from ever going to her. They aren’t even aware of the time which has past. And Gareth has become forgotten. He disappeared. He’s been missing for quite a while yet. So Sarah’s latest message has finally, actually come through. They go to her.

She sees them in an absolute rage. And decides she knows how to regain her lost child. She must claim him. By becoming the new Goblin Queen.

Obviously, from here, a new protagonist enters. And thus the new movie unfolds.

Jennifer Connelly is really amazing at dark roles these days. The 80s kids would be happy to see her return, and Lady Gaga wouldn’t be given the Goblin Queen role (rumored) so we would rejoice. The movie could be forced to do justice to the original. And, after the new dark crystal, the Jim Henson company would be trusted to do this without cutting corners. Lastly, the SJWs would love that the new Queen is a woman. So there wouldn’t be much pushback.

This is possible. And it would be amazing.

That’s all.