Here we go again…. I am crying all of the time & frustrated all of the time AGAIN. Hormones? or Depression? Does it really matter?
Lets see, whats my complaint this time? I know I complain a lot. But I don’t have a therapist and I don’t really like to unload on friends and family because they just feel pity for me which isn’t really what I’m going for. So here it is. I am 39 weeks, 3 days pregnant. My due date is in 3 days. Baby hasn’t dropped, I am 0% effaced, and my cervix is still closed. So I will probably have to be induced which is already scheduled for July 5th – in 5 days. I am pretty sure my hormones are KICKING MY ASS right now. But if not, then I am in FULL DEPRESSION MODE again. Either way, I am feeling like SHIT.
Cris and I can’t seem to have a conversation without arguing or being short with each other. I know why… he is overworked at work and at home right now. He has to work late to “prepare for my labor” so the service calls don’t get backed up while he is at the hospital with me. He will get ZERO paternity this time. He has to do chores before he goes to work and when he gets home from working long hours – and not being paid OT. And we are STRUGGLING financially which is very frustrating considering how many hours he is working. If he were compensated for his time, we would not be having such a hard time paying bills. He hates being home right now. When he isn’t working, or helping with Bronson, or doing chores, he falls asleep on the couch or its already bedtime.
So, I get zero adult time. I am home with Bronson 24/7 and I can’t play with him, I can barely get up to change his diaper and cook his meals, and getting him down for a nap is a total struggle. I am feeling extremely secluded and cut-off lately. I feel totally useless. I feel like Bronson deserves better, and so does Cris.
Cris is a social person and I haven’t been able to be social since my first wave of depression hit a few years ago. I have been a hermit and I have no friends to confide in. I see these friendships on TV all of the time and I just don’t get it. I could never trust anyone like that… I have tried in the past and women must just hate me or I must rub them the wrong way because I always get stabbed in the back. (Seriously, though. This has happened to me on multiple occasions).
Cris is mad at me all of the time for feeling insecure and unwanted because he thinks it means I can’t see all that he does for us. He works his ass off and thinks I can’t see it. Even when I tell him I see it he decides that my being unhappy means I don’t really mean it. So we argue. A lot. And whenever he is given a chance to get away and relax, he takes it. He hates being home, and I see it. So I feel worse and he feels worse, and it just keeps spinning like an endless catch-22.
Our finances are a joke right now and he has no time to look for other jobs. His skill set is quite enough for us to live off of when he is getting compensated properly. His current job has him on an illegal salary. In CA, you can’t have salary under a certain monthly amount. His is like $300 or $400 less than that amount. Also, in CA, you can’t just put someone on salary then work them any hours you want to. There is employment law preventing consistent overtime without compensation – salary or not. So that is EXTREMELY frustrating. But we can’t even mention it to the employer or they will just throw their hands up and fire Cris or they will make it personal for 5 years and we will have to DEAL with it.
I am thinking about everything AT ONCE today so
I am NOT DOING WELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just want to be treated fairly. I want to not have to think about all of this. I want 1 HOUR to myself once in a while. I want to stop dwelling on every little thing. I want Bronson to be less hyper when I am at my lowest energy. He is only 3 and cannot possibly understand…. I don’t want him to have to understand. I want him to have fun and not have to deal with his mom. I know other people who have that sort of relationship with their moms and it is extremely sad to watch. Those kids – they don’t even love their mom anymore. Their mom is their burden, someone they have to deal with. I loath that type of shit.
GAWD DAMNIT, SERIOUSLY!!!!!!!!!!!!