Dear Paige, (8/30/10)

Dear Paige, (Paige is my diary’s name)

Mom just gave us the OK to go to the cabin for the weekend of Sept 11th & 12th. And, that clinches it. I’m not going. I’m not really disappointed though. All of the other 2000 grads that RSVP’d “yes” are douche bags that I don’t give a fuck about (that I’ve seen so far). They can kick rocks. I still see Court and Lesti and Kris so the rest can go glory in our old days… I was only ever into choir and drama and don’t care to see even those geeks again. So whatever.  😣

I am currently reading Vampire Diaries the Return Nightfall by LJ Smith. Yes – that’s where I got the diary idea… well that and Dracula.

My kick lately has been reading and in a major way. I’ve been reading like crazy since Nov 09 since I read the Twilight Saga. Edward Cullen – swoon. 😍😄. Anyway – since the twilight saga I’ve read the 7 House of Night books by PC and Kristen Cast, The 7 Harry Potter books by JK Rowling ♥ Great Series! Vampire Diaries 4 books, Dracula by Bram Stoker, Fallen by Lauren Kate, and I’m tired of listing titles now. Any-who it should be perfectly clear that my genres are vampires, wizards, and fallen angels at the moment. I love me some fantasy. I prefer it to reality sometimes. Obama sucks. Wars are lame and reality TV killed sitcoms. Fantasy can sweep you away from yourself and your life and it can put you in an alternate time where even the laws of physics don’t always even hold true. Like science itself can be bent – with magic. I wish magic were real. Sometimes I even wish God were real just because the whole idea is quite comforting. Too bad God is just as non-existent as my vampires, my witches and, my fallen angels, and even my fairies or centaurs or hobbits… believing in God when I was young was a lot like Santa or the Tooth Fairy. Fake – but comforting.

And I tangent again. Sorry for rambling, Paige. I’ve gotten away with my brain again.

I have a ton of worries right now in my dull reality. And issues. Fertility issues – maybe. Weight issues. I am currently 149 lbs and wanna be closer to 130 or even 125 lbs again like I was 5 years ago. When Cris and I began dating I was 120 lbs. I was cute. I was young. We began dating in Nov 2004 and I gained 20 lbs by the wedding. Now, almost 2 years later, I’ve gained another 8 lbs and my dieting never helps. I feel like I’m not the woman I’m supposed to be for him and that makes me very sad and even almost depressed…

I’m scared that pregnancy will ruin any chance I’ll ever have to re-gain control over my body and yet I want a baby before I’m 30. I’m running out of time. Cris and I have been trying for several months without even a pregnancy scare yet. Its uber-discouraging.

I really am afraid of the whole process.  How do so many women go through the whole pregnancy and don’t even seem scared. ARE THEY CRAZY!?  How can you NOT be scared. The changes that take place while the baby grows wouldn’t be as bad even – but the birth!!!  The birth scares the CRAP right out of me!!!  I really hope that when I do get prego, I get twins so we can have 2 in 1 and I won’t need to be prego again… Coward?  Yes… 😩

Oh well.  I gotta go to bed now. It’s 11:20pm. I’ll probably read a while like always.  I am too wired to crash yet.

Goodnight, Paige.

❤ Taja

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