Depression is a cold hearted bitch

Life really sucks balls sometimes.  My life has been as such for a while now.  Don’t get me wrong, I have a wonderful life and have no feelings of woe to the contrary, but there has been some shit gone down over the last couple years that I like to believe has ended with my Grandmother’s death.

Let me back it up a little…

I would say that the shit storm began with my miscarriage back in September 2011.  Actually, maybe sooner than that… lets say it began with the pregnancy.  Obviously the pregnancy didn’t go well.  I found out that I am A- blood type so shots are required for your body to not kill off the child.  Bleeding began almost immediately.  I had to take two months off of work. When it was at the brink of the end, I couldn’t get out of it without going into full labor.  Geezus – pregnancy is a very medical, very traumatic, very disgusting thing.

After the miscarriage -besides the now very real financial issues- things mostly went back to normal… if normal is a really depressed married couple coping with a loss in two very different ways.  My husband is a social person and, therefor, wanted to be super social to forget his troubles.  I am very introverted and antisocial so staying at home vegging was my personal remedy.  We found each other again months later in June 2012 when he got a job badass enough for me to quit mine.  I would say things got 300% better after that.  well… except for the family stuff.

Brenda Sutton, his surrogate mother, had been diagnosed with cancer and was fighting really hard against it.  The chemo was soon exhausted as a cure.  She passed away in February 2013.

My mom’s best friend also went through cancer scare during this time.  She survived.

My Grandpa was in and out of the hospital after a month, and has made a full recovery.

My step mom’s mother, Ruth Oaks had an aneurysm right before her wedding in February 2012.  Around 9 months later, she made an almost full recovery and got married after all.

The final blow was my Grandmother’s aneurysm in February.  She was helicoptered to Cedar Sinai hospital in Hollywood, CA.  We spent two months going back & forth to LA every couple days to see her.  Her outlook didn’t look great but we were all pretty positive.  I had just seen my stepgramma Ruth go through this… so I knew it would be rough, but I had seen a positive end and had no reason to think she would not recover.  She was eventually brought back to Bakersfield.  It was a huge financial relief as well as an emotional one, not having to go out of town for 6 hrs just to see her for 30mins.  Then she aspirated one night.  36hrs later she was gone.

Every incident above happened in the last couple years.

I have had mild depression on and off for my whole life.  But I haven’t been so depressed as I was when my Gramma was sick.  Now that she is gone, as sad as I am… as un-whole as I feel… the weight of not knowing has been lifted.  I feel like it is time to pick up my sanity and puzzle it back together again.

It is time to take myself apart and remake myself.  I don’t want to be sad any more.

I know that most of my sadness and depression have stemmed from my continued self loathing on many matters.
1. I have always had body dysmorphic issues.
2. I have never been really good at making friends.
3. I have hidden the odd or dorky sides of myself in fear of social rejection.
4. I have always cared both too much, and not enough about what others think of me.

1-The first issue is usually really just about my weight.  I have extra weight that I have not been able to lose for years now.  I hate myself for having so little personal motivation that I haven’t been able to do anything about it.

2-I have around 4 people in my life that I can really call friends.  Most of these people I almost never see.  The others, when I do see them, I feel like we have so little in common that the effort is lost to me.  This is not a flaw in my personality.  This just is.  I have always had 1 to 2 friends at a time, and not more.  Ever since I was a child my “friends” usually consisted of one person I really connected with , fuck all the others.  I have never been interested in social friends, or drama.  I don’t lie to make friends and I could care less if those around me like or dislike my personal traits.  Often, they don’t.  Often, they become social acquaintances and nothing more.

3-For the purpose of keeping friends around, or trying to seem better than myself, for many years I have tried to hide the weird parts of my personality.  I tried to change my laugh from the snorting squeaking, nose flaring giggle that I was picked on for in childhood… and ended up with something that was unsustainable.  I tried (and utterly failed) to soften the blow of my gigantic sneeze which still scares my husband when he isn’t expecting it.  I even tried to keep secret my enjoyment for scifi/fantasy when those around me gave me that look – the one that meant whatever I was admitting to was crossing some well known social line.

4-I care what other people think because I feel like people have the wrong impression of me.  I want them to know ME – not some version of me they have made up.  I don’t care what they think of me, if they have the correct version… but if they hate me for non reasons, it bothers me more than I can even explain.  I sometimes over explain myself to people in order to avoid their misunderstanding only to forcibly make them hate me in the process because I talk too much or because I am wildly repetitive as a result.  These are habits of which I cannot break.  I have tried.

The end result of this amount of self reflection is this:  I know myself enough to know that this is a high.  I will probably see a low again before the week ends.  But, if I could stay on one track and continue to keep the high then I would have to continue to do the following:
Exercise more. This activity, alone, helps with my confidence and my positive energy.  It helps me see a side of myself I want to know more about.  It puts me on the correct track to health and fitness.  It will -eventually- grant a better outside opinion of myself if I could only continue it.
Think less.  I have such a hard time with over thinking everything.  If I could get out of my head more, I know I would see that things aren’t always as complicated as they seem.  I would see that what I think people are judging about me is probably just my fear of such and that I come off as crazy when I obsess over the subject.
Be more outgoing. I might actually make more friends in fields I would enjoy if I could only get the courage to join a book club, or geek out with some online friends over a game of D&D of which I have never played but have always wanted to.  LARPing has always been an interest too because it sounds like a blast… joining a choir would be amazing if I could find one to take me.  These activities all involve being SOCIAL… I hate being social.  ugh.

To sum up…. I believe I know how to fix my depression.  I just hope that I can actually remember these things tomorrow.  I hope that in a week I still remember them.  I hope that a month from now, I have dropped a few pounds and still remember.  In a year, I hope to have more friends and be a size smaller.  I want my life to branch off of this moment.  I want to be a better version of myself.  I hope that admitting that is the first step to changing me…

-Taja 5/9/13 8:56pm PST

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