I’ve had many reasons to dislike myself over the years but I am only just realizing that its not just me. I was watching Modern Family last night and everyone was hitting on Gloria as-per-ushe, when I realized that I will probably never have someone hit on me ever again. I used to get lots of looks, glances, and goofy pickup lines when I was thin, healthy, & more confident. But, I have never felt so invisible as I do these days. I have never disliked myself so much. Proof that I have a right to feel this way:
I am not anyone’s go-to friend; no one thinks about me when t
hey haven’t seen me for a while – besides family. I don’t blame them. I am a really bad friend. I am not motivated to be the one to call or make plans, I am not thoughtful, I never remember birthdays, and I think a lot of daily gossip-type problems are stupid. I also hate small talk, shopping, and getting done-up which make me a not-so-fun gal-pal.
My health problems are over-encumbering. My lack of energy and will keep me in a state of ugly that I am becoming used to, but also makes me hate myself for having no motivation to try harder to fix it. My body has completely transformed over the last few years to a disgusting blob which is why I don’t get glanced at by men any longer. I don’t blame them, I wouldn’t look my way if I were a dude either. Dieting is a complete fail. I actually have exactly the right mix of health issues that each diet which works for my health problems, completely conflict with my other health problems. So, for example, when I started eating more veggies and cut out carbs, my thyroid slowed causing my metabolism to drop, causing me to gain weight. This goes back and forth with many different diets. And its really quite depressing.
My depression has really taken hold. Acceptance at being less than mediocre should be freeing but it only adds to the reasons that I don’t like me, and why others certainly don’t want me around. I am self-loathing and I like to vent my problems. I am positive that I am annoying to have around. No one wants a Debbie Downer at their party or around their house. As evidence from this post, and many others, I am not an optimistic happy person.
I have no motivation but that doesn’t just extend to my lack of physical motivation, it is also evident in my career and academic life as well. I have started college a handful of times, never to get anywhere. My career is a long line of office jobs which all grant me just over minimum wage most of the time.
I will never be great. I know that now.
Its not just that I have bad health, am depressed, and am totally in a self loathing mood. These are things that no matter what I do, come back up again, and again. I have tried to fix myself over and over but I have no follow through. I have nothing keeping me on track. I have less motivation than almost anyone I have ever known. I am a do-nothing. I am a lay-about. I am the definition of a lazy piece of shit. And the worst, the absolutely worst part of the whole thing? There is nothing about me that can possibly be a good role model to my son. He won’t see his mother achieve anything, won’t get good health habits, and won’t see me as a positive force. He will probably be annoyed when he has to see me – just like my friends – because I am a total downer. I wish I was a better person, a better wife, and a better mother.
I have no one to blame but myself.
If anyone who cares about me is reading this - no, I do not have suicidal thoughts. I would never EVER do that to my family, my son, and my husband. Don't worry. I am just feeling these feelings that no one wants to hear, so I write them out on my blog, this public diary, as a way to vent. Venting, writing, is the only thing that seems to help. Comments welcomed below. -Taja